Now, we would like to present the scores the judges have assigned to each post with the feedback in their own words.
Here's our first judge Deepa Duraisamy with her scores and detailed feedback of both the posts submitted for the Finale:
Having tasted the experience of being a judge, I can safely say that I would rather be a contestant than a judge as judging is not an easy task, definitely not as easy as it seems. As a contestant I have time and again belabored judges calling out biases and unfair practices, albeit, only in my mind as I am sure, many other contestants (except the winners) would have too. This is not to say that contesting or in this case blogging is easy, but writing to me is always from the heart. Judging on the other hand, requires you to keep your emotions/feelings/heart aside and think logically making it more difficult.
So coming to the task at the hand, even though the following statement might sound cliché, do believe me when I say it is anything but! I have put together a bunch of criteria that I deemed important enough to judge short stories and have rated each of the posts against those criteria. I have also tried to put together a detailed feedback on both the posts and I do hope the teams find it helpful. The intent is solely to provide constructive feedback and not to be offensive, hence I request the teams to kindly take it in the right spirit.
Chennai Super Bloggers
The final genre of the IBL Finale being the Short Story Genre, I must at the outset, applaud CSB on having quite a few contemporary ingredients well mashed up into a neat, concise, effective piece of fiction. It had mystery, drama, the supernatural and a bit of erotica as well! The story opened out decently enough in the wee hours of the night and added the mystery aura of the lady within it sauntering into the museum. The picturesque details of the placard, the night, the backdrop of the museum etc demonstrate a good show Vs tell ability of the author which made my mind conjure up those images, making me feel as if I were watching a movie and not reading a story.
The picture, to be used as per the rule, was nested well within the story and not used as the main premise which is a little different than how it is usually done, not to say that the story should have centered around it (unless the blog contest rules say so) but that is the usual practice, hence, a different take on the usage is refreshing.
The tiny piece of conversation between Catherine and the female protagonist is well put - removing any further necessity of introduction of the new character Catherine. The minor detail about Julia’s background is also informative as are the dialogues between Julia and the female lead, detailing the build-up about the supernatural which keeps the reader going, wanting to find out what, who, how!
The interesting twist at the end brings back the plot picture with a bang in a much unexpected way, and also providing closure to a mystery well etched. Overall, great piece of fiction.
Now coming to the areas of improvement, if I may say so.
The character sketch of the female lead could probably have been worked on a little more, so the reader could know more about her - maybe a quick background, considered the story starts abruptly in the middle of the night. Of course, the word limit might have been a constraint because I see that its already gone a word above.
Though the story flows well and the scenes keep changing, I believe the use of heavy language might slow down the average reader. Of course, there’s always an argument here that better use good language and polished words than writing Chetan Bhagat style (my apologies, if you’re a fan, but that’s my take!) and appealing to the masses with 8th standard English, however, lets not forget, it sells. Sometimes, an average reader might love the story but get turned off by very heavy words, especially in certain situation where they’re deemed unecessary or forced. Like Indolent stroll, benignity of the lady and also the passage below, which slows down the reading pace even if the story is interesting and fast-paced, because the reader might have to read it twice to grasp the meaning. We want to make sure the excessive use of good English skills do not adversely affect the pace of the story.
‘As I noticed my watch all of a sudden, which beeped, to enlighten me of the fact that, a full sixty minutes have passed at ease until now – an hourly indication setting of my digital watch which was loud enough for me to get conscious of my auditory sense, in the deadly silent gallery.’
From an empathy angle, I’ll come back to the character sketch itself, if the author could have sketched the character feeling more pain, more wonder, the fear about the unknown more rather than just the just-below-the-surface shock which is created using the dialogues, the reader would have felt those emotions too empathising with the female lead. In this case, the conversations with Julia about the discovery of the soulless, the reactions shown are not of shock or fear which would be expected, but of muted surprise.
Needless to say, a great piece of fiction and immense potential! Keep up the good work!
Kolkata Knight Writers
A very smart choice of topic chosen for the post, in today’s age and world where crimes against women are hot topics and most talked about especially in the Indian subcontinent. To be able to convert the picture which boasts of attitude and the ‘Don't-care’ look into a tale that pulls the reader into empathizing with the protagonist is brilliant, I must say!
Instead of giving a background around the female lead to start with, it starts with a note of rebellion, of arrogance, of a living-life-by-my-rules note which instantly makes the reader want to read more, to understand why or what makes the female lead say that. The questioning way in which the female lead compares herself to the reader is another excellent maneuver that automatically involves the reader, even if he/she wasn’t until then. I particularly liked the piece where the author has compared the heart and blood of the lead and the reader, causing us to pause and wonder.
Use of language is pretty decent, not great but not bad either. Its perfect for this entire setting as the basic purpose of the post is achieved, it makes you feel for the lead, that’s all that’s required. So that’s a good thing!
And in the next part, not surprisingly, it talks about a female child cursed since conception, the alleged burden associated, the hurt and pain associated with the flesh trade, the sufferings at the hands of violent men and so on. It lets the reader into the female lead’s life making you feel for the girl, wish that things could have been better or if there was a way you could help. Because of everything else that’s going on around us today, it makes us more aware of what the lead is going through. Finally when the post switches back to one of rebellion, you agree with the lead, you feel her hurt, her emotions at being let down by others around her which is exactly what the author intended for! All in all, an excellent portrayal of a woman/girl caught in the throes of crimes against females - be it an embodiment of female foeticide, bride burning, dowry system on any other such crime.
Now moving to the areas of improvement, if I may say so.
Throughout my review, I kept saying post. Not a story. Because, even though the background of the girl caught in the throes of this trade has been well etched, the whole post is about her, why/how she got pushed into it and more importantly her attitude. From the start to the end, its a post which explains why she is the way she is. But from a story perspective, it would have been nice to have a little more flow to it, maybe talk about a few incidents, provide closure more effective, maybe have the lead avenge the wrong doings or something of that sort. I am just throwing in some ideas, which I am perfectly aware, may kick back too! This works great as a blog post, but for a short story genre, I would look to see more of a flow.
Most bloggers harbour a desire to eventually become published authors. Fiction, non-fiction, poetry - that’s a whole different question, but this being a contest entry on short stories, I would think that the authors would look to become good fiction writers - in which case, I believe, a good short story would not sell on simply a great choice of topic or creating empathy. Make the reader live the life of the protagonists, show them what they go through - Show not tell. The best way to do that would be to introduce incidents in their life, incorporate dialogues. Dialogues make a story move way faster than reading long descriptions. I can see that you do have a lot of scope with word limits, so this would be a good exercise to try out for later!
All-in-all, a very smart choice of topic and a great attempt at creating empathy within the reader! Kept me hooked!
- Deepa Duraisamy
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Now, we present you our second judge, Rajagopalan Ratnaraj with his analysis of both the posts. Here are the scores assigned by him and his feedback:
Kolkata Knight Writers
- The article is extremely well written as it touches and moves the reader beyond description. High on emotional content, it is very potently written.
- As much as it hit the reader hard, it makes the reader stop and think as we feel the pain and angst of every woman in distress.
- The story uses the photo to unleash a strong impact.
Some fantastic lines:
- My experiences have aged me far more than my years on this earth.
- I am the uncensored reflection of most women you know.
- It does not matter because you are merely judging the piece of flesh that you see.
The last couple of paragraphs were exceptional and they landed a lasting impression in the mind of the reader.
Chennai Super Bloggers
- A very different story line and quite a creative plot; the narrative was quite racy and kept the reader hooked on.
- A lot of attention to detail and some parts had very skilful touches.
- There is an interesting twist as well to the end.
- It is a difficult genre to take up and the writer has pulled it off well.
- There are creative liberties that are taken here but I have overlooked them in order to give credit to the effort.
Summary:
- Both the posts are brilliantly written. Very engaging reads and it was really difficult to pick one among the two.
- I had to read it several times and still went undecided after reading them 5 times each.
- The only thing that separated the two was the fact that which of those would leave a lasting impact on the reader.
"Judge me all you want" is very simple yet so powerful and lingers in your mind for a long time. That is the only thing that gives it a very slight edge over the wonderful story "Come with me".
- Rajagopalan Ratnaraj
Please read the final part, here.
